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A WORD TO THE WISE PARENT
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You've been over this many times before; there is nothing new to say. He must, first of
all, be calmed down to a point where you can reach him. When it's over, he's abjectly sorry; it won't happen again; you're emotionally drained and depressed; and it WILL happen again…and again.
It's not the extra work you must do for this special child that bothers you. You don't mind giving him more because he needs
more. You feel all the things more intensely where this child is concerned. The hardest thing to accept is his suffering. You want so desperately to protect him. He is his own worst
enemy. You know you can't put him in a bubble. He has to learn to live in this world, and while he is learning, it will be a hard road for both of you.Some days are worse than
others, and when several days like today happen to occur in the same week, you know there's no place to hide. At times you feel you actually hate him, he hates himself. Then you feel terribly
guilty and over-compensate by spoiling him with some undeserved indulgence. Of course, you don't hate HIM; you hate the situation because it is so frustrating. You are in a position
you can't change. You feel trapped. You have a lot of company, if that's any consolation. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?…Don't lose your perspective. Try to maintain your
sense of humor. After all, tears and laughter are both emotions. When things go especially bad, go ahead and run for a little while. It will do both of you good. Take him somewhere;
he needs a friend, and you might be the only friend he's got right now. TRY NOT TO HATE THE KIDS WHO PERSECUTE HIM… Remember, they don't understand "his problem;" and after all,
to be honest, he is a little hard to take now and then, isn't he? TRY TO TEACH HIM TO AVOID TROUBLE… Let him know that you always love him, but that sometimes you find him very hard to
like. Help him see himself as others see him. Don't excuse him when he's done something awful. He has to learn the same lessons that every other child learns on the way to adulthood.
He doesn't understand the laws of cause and effect just yet, and he still blames everybody but himself for his troubles. TELL HIM ABOUT HIS DISABILITY. |
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TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER
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When someone you care about is diagnosed with mental illness, you want to help. But in
order to help, you need to be physically and mentally healthy yourself. Don't let your child's mental illness take over your
life. Everyone –including the caregiver – needs privacy, a reasonably orderly life, friends, fun and outside interests. Don't disregard your own needs. Rather, try to balance them with the
needs of your ill child.Treat yourself kindly. Be fair and reasonable with yourself. Remember that you cannot change another person. However, you can learn to deal more
effectively with the individual. Do what you can and give yourself credit for it. Keep in mind that asking "what if" about past actions and decisions changes nothing. Feeling guilty or
blaming yourself is also not productive. Accept that sometimes you may feel discouraged or helpless – even angry or resentful. Turn to your support systems, and develop more if need
be. Others who have experienced mental illness in their families can be especially understanding and comforting. Remember – you can help your mentally ill child best when you are
feeling well. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Children learn to take care of themselves by watching you. Take time to exercise, read, nap or work on a special project to
recharge your batteries. You are a mirror for your children. They believe what you tell them about themselves. Helpful, creative and curious are building words. Unkind words
like bad, stupid, worthless, tear children down, and teach them that they just aren't good enough. |
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NURTURE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL GROWTH
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- Tell your children you love them. Offers lots of hugs and kisses.
- Make a list of wonderful things about your children.
- Avoid exposing your children to stressful or violent situations.
- Provide structure for your children's day. Set times for meals, naps and bedtime.
- Make sure your children feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you have taken steps to protect them.
- Join a Parent Support Group to share your joys and challenges.
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TIPS FOR PARENTS
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- Respect children and use a courteous tone of voice. If we talk to our children as we would our friends, our youngsters may be more likely to seek us out as confidants.
- Children are never too old to be told they are loved. Saying "I love you" is important. Writing it in a note provides the child with a reminder that he can hold onto.
- Giving your children chores around the house builds cooperation and responsibility. Thanks for helping me pick up the house. We make a great team. Now we can go to the park. Rules help children feel
secure. Without limits, children do not know where they stand. To avoid arguments try the "When I – then method: When your toys are picked up then I will read you a story" or "When the dishes are put away
then you may use the phone."
- Help children feel good about their successes. Instead of "I am proud of you" try "You really worked hard on that, I bet that makes you feel proud of yourself."
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TIPS FOR CHILDREN
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- Talk to a friend.
- If you feel bad inside, talk about it. Feeling bad doesn't mean you are bad.
Here are some ways to turn bad feelings into something positive:
- Talk to your school counselor.
- Draw a picture of how you feel.
- Write in your diary.
- Get more sleep, if you're tired.
- Read a book.
- Listen to music.
- See the humor in the situation if possible.
- Get more exercise, go for a walk, and shoot baskets.
- Try to talk and listen to the person who makes you feel bad.
- Feelings are always OK. But what you do about those feelings is NOT always OK. No matter how bad you feel, don't hurt yourself or someone else. That will make you feel worse and may get you in trouble.
- If someone does something that makes you feel bad, use an "I" message: "I feel bad when you tease me and take my things." "I get frustrated when you won't listen to my side of the story."
- Turn bad into good. When you think something bad about yourself, try to remember something good too. Every morning when you're getting ready for school, look in the mirror. Give yourself a big smile
and: "I like myself."
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REDIRECTING CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR
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At times of stress when everything seems to fail – stop and think about the following positive steps you can take:
- GET CALM
: If you can't leave the situation, then take a mental step back, count to ten. Don't act in anger.
- BE KIND BUT FIRM:
Get down to the child's level, make eye contact, speak in a short kind but firm phrase that clearly tells the child what it is you want him to do.
- GIVE CHOICE
: Let your child have choices in regards to consequences. Remember that positive reinforcers work better than negative consequences. Give your child a goal to work towards.
- USE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
: Relate it to the child's behavior. Teach the child alternative ways to deal with situations.
- WITHDRAW FROM CONFLICT
: Walk away from those situations that are escalating. Don't walk away in anger or defeat, simply state that you will be in the next room when he/she is ready to speak respectfully.
- INFORM CHILDREN AHEAD OF TIME
: Most children react with tantrums or are uncooperative because we ask them to do something at a moment's notice. They feel uniformed and powerless. Give the child a
5-minute warning, so that they have time to complete what they are doing.
- COMMUNICATE:
Talk 'WITH" your kids.
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SEVEN STEPS TO RESOLVING CONFLICT
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- Encourage the other person to describe the complaint fully. Use door openers, encouragers, and open questions.
- Let the other person know you understand their complaint. Use the appropriate type of feedback – emotional, factual, solution-focused. Don't defend yourself or retaliate with your own complaints.
- Affirm something you admire in the person. It's best if there is something that can help in the situation.
- Look for the need behind the problem.
- Together, come up with a list of possible solutions.
- Together, choose what meets both of your needs.
- Agree on a specific period of time to try out the solution.
Remember, the first step in reaching a solution is to really LISTEN. |
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ADVICE TO PARENTS FROM HIGH RISK KIDS
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- Make the rules clearer.
- Present a united front.
- Don't give us everything we want.
- Don't do everything for us.
- Don't give up on discipline.
- Don't allow us to control the boundary line because we'll keep changing it.
- Make reasonable consequences, ones that you can keep to, then hold to, no matter what.
- If you're divorced or not getting along with each other, don't use us as a tennis ball.
- Don't discuss the rules with us or ask us if we agree with them, like them – we don't, but we need them.
- Don't lecture for hours – we're not listening anyway.
- Don't let us wear you down.
- Practice what you teach – if you get drunk, high, we'll use it as an excuse to get high ourselves.
- Don't make empty threats.
- Don't compromise.
- Don't blame our friends, our school, or society when we're in trouble.
- Don't give up on us.
- Learn about our addictions.
- Don't say we're going through a "stage".
- Start discipline early on.
- Don't fight our battles, smother, or overprotect us. (Example: If I get in trouble with the teacher, don't go to school and argue with the teacher).
- Don't look the other way.
- Don't be intimidated by us; don't back off; don't walk on eggshells with us.
- Don't be afraid to confront us in public. You don't have to prove that we did something wrong. It's not a court of law. If you suspect us of something, you are allowed to accuse or challenge us, even
though you may be wrong.
- You are not obligated to supply us with money when we go out, especially when we've been acting out.
- Don't baby us. You're asking us to grow up, but you sometimes talk to us, like we're little and sweet – we're not.
- Don't keep threatening rehab – just do it.
- Don't send us to our rooms – we'll protest, but we love it there.
- Don't let us bargain with you.
- Take time with us once a day to just talk.
- Don't leave money out – we'll probably take it.
- Don't trust your friends – we may be getting high with them.
- Don't say, "It's up to your father (mother). Don't refer responsibility. No double-checking.
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